When it comes to making political peace, leave it to the pros

By Sydney Lee

Newsroom by the Bay Now

ELMHURST, Illinois — Too bad we can’t just hug it out. 

When then-presidential candidate Joe Biden talked about “the battle for the soul of the nation,” he had the first part right: For more than four years now, we citizens of the Divided States have been battling with one another over countless problems, from a sinking economy to policing and race, and even seemingly simple acts such as wearing a mask during COVID times.

But now that a new year is looming, our souls are tired. We need help. 

Happily, when it comes to making peace, there are people out there who are in the business of soothing souls. We consulted with three experts — a family lawyer specializing in divorce, a clinical psychologist, and a stand-up comic — for a different take on the kind of conflict resolution America might need.

Here’s what they had to say.

Advice from a lawyer: “The best divorce is reaching an agreement together” 

Family law involves handling divorce, child custody, adoptions, and surrogacy agreements. Juli Gumina, currently based in Naperville, Illinois, has been practicing family law for 22 years. She helps mediate disagreements, primarily divorce, which marks the end of a marriage, and often, the beginning of a messy feud.

Such disagreements “relate to physical conflicts, emotional conflicts, and financial conflicts,” Gumina said. “I spend (time) talking about what their questions are about the process, their concerns about their future, concerns about their children, concerns about their financial future.” 

Finding the source of disagreement is the starting point for resolving a conflict, Gumina advises. Both spouses would have to be willing to hear out the other side. Being able to listen and respect other opinions is an important make-or-break factor that separates couples that succeed and those who fail.

“The best divorce is if you can reach an agreement together. Try to find out what each party’s most concerned about,” Gumina counsels. “(A) technique we use is ‘Let’s all sit down and talk.’”

While this sounds simple on paper, society has shown otherwise: Lashing out at each other seems to be a go-to strategy. 

“(We) have to be less reactive, or defensive, or judgmental. It comes back to the basics of treating others as you would like them to treat you,” Gumina said. “I think we’ve lost that a lot in the rhetoric of name-calling, and assumptions.”

A therapist asks, “What is the most important thing to you?” 

While negotiation is one approach, therapy is another. Patricia Noble is the director of the clinical psychology department at Linden Oaks Hinsdale Outpatient Center in Hinsdale, Illinois. A licensed clinical psychologist, Noble supervises therapy and gives patients case-specific guidance.

It can be difficult to get patients to open up about their experiences and thoughts during sessions, Noble says. Understanding the patient’s values helps. “Sometimes, depression and anxiety really chip away at (that),” said Noble. “We start by doing values identification work. So we might say, ‘What is the most important thing in the world to you?’ ”

On the other hand, patients have to be willing to accept guidance. Flexibility and adaptability are key. According to Noble, people tend to feel attacked when their beliefs come into conflict with others, making it difficult to listen. Having a growth mindset and allowing for constructive criticism is crucial, she says.

Noble also suggested simple strategies, such as writing a pro-con list to help analyze troubling issues. Logic is important, as feelings can cloud judgments.

“Both Republicans and the Democrats have created this (political) polarization and the news media has inflamed it, creating it to be more of an emotional state versus a rational state,” Noble said. “It is important for people to recognize what part of (them) is getting pulled emotionally.”

If all else fails: “We’ve just got to deal with it” 

Although laughter can be a great uniter, professional comedians often face backlash when raising difficult subjects.

Kevin Avery, a Los Angeles-based comedian and screenwriter, knows all about that.  A stand-up comedian, he’s been a television writer for shows like “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” and “The Jim Jefferies Show.” 

News may be part of the act, but “(w)e’re comedy writers, we’re not journalists,” Avery said. “Our whole job is to find the angle, find the story, write it, then tell it truthfully in a funny way. It’s a comedian’s job to put their point of view out there, whether you agree with it or not.”

Not everyone will agree with what he says, Avery knows, but he’s prepared for that.

“In terms of comedy, you can talk about anything you want. I feel like here’s not necessarily a line to be drawn, just that there are always repercussions to be felt,” Avery said. “People might not like what you say; people might not laugh. We know that from the minute we get on stage, and that’s just part of the contract — (we’ve) just got to deal with it.”

Among Avery’s tips: When it comes to a controversial topic, like politics, don’t be judgmental. Instead of getting heated, maintain a calm mindset.

“People get very defensive and passionate very quickly,” Avery observes. “Then debates spark and people end up at each other’s throats.”

“The problem is that you can’t get defensive when people don’t like your (opinions),” Avery said. “(If) you say something, you have to own it.”